Messages in a Bottle

Goodbye.

2009-08-10T19:45:00.003+02:00

(via maluna.tumblr.com)

but today I understood that
I haven't been looking for you
since forever.
I don't need this delusional dream anymore.

.:the.end:.

miss you.

2009-02-22T15:41:00.001+01:00

Meant to be

2009-02-21T00:30:00.002+01:00

"Meant to be"
I don't think so.
Well, it probably does happen to someone, somewhere. Not to me, to us. This, I know it already.
But don't you think there's something magical in this idea? In a world where magic is gone forever, don't you think this is the only magic we have left?

Like a dream just before you awake
on the street
in a room
you just lift you eyes
and it's here, what you've always been looking for
your true soulmate.
Like a light, where there's always been only darkness.
Like sweetness, after so so much strife.
Like a rainbow, after a rain that soaked you through and made you cold.

Even when I don't believe in love anymore
still this dream visits me sometimes
just before I wake
like a faint scent, it lingers
when I open my eyes in the dimlit room.

"Meant to be"
it's just words written in the wind
just a fading dream in the new day's dawn
just a falling star, disappearing at light's speed
I know, better than anyone.

But still, for a moment
just before I wake, still asleep
I pray to God
"let this be the day when I met him
let there be magic in our lives"

Then, as I open my eyes
it fades
but it's still a nice, warm kind of fantasy
don't you think?
Almost, almost
I almost feel it could happen anytime
in the moment between the sleep and the rest of my life
I almost believe it.
That one day,
since we're "meant to be"
no matter how far you are
no matter how hard it is
we will find each other
on this big big planet.
Just a spark of magic, isn't it?

Just before I wake,
still is shines.
But then, here's the day
the light of the sun
no place for magic.

I still love you
but baby, baby,
magic is gone from my life
since forever.

No more.

2009-02-08T15:26:00.001+01:00

Oh Jesus
oh Lord
oh my

I lost my faith in love
I lost the will to love.

Today, I understood
that I can't picture men being in love anymore.
That I can't picture men being tender and frail for a woman.
And not only this, I don't BELIEVE it anymore
no matter what everybody tells me
like Saint Thomas
WORSE than Saint Thomas
I stopped believing
and it's a mortal sin.

And I don't even wanna take risks anymore
I just don't feel like it's worth it.
I lost my will to try.

And it feels like armageddon.

Oh please
please
come save me
I know you won't
but I wish you would,
just save me from what I'm becoming

and I know, I fucking know it's impossible
and it steals my breath away
I see myself crumbling down the hill, towards a dangerous waterfall
and I can do nothing about it.
You can't save me
you can't sing for me
my voice will never ever reach you
and it's here, it's coming and I can do nothing about it
fuck, fuck, fuck
I lost
I lost
oh Jesus, oh my
I only wish you could save me
and you won't come for me
ever
ever
ever
I lost
I lost
I lost

Today, iron and lilies

2009-01-31T15:09:00.000+01:00

Hey, hey
living as if you were in the kitchen
getting coffee ready for me
hey hey
I'll smile at you and hold you
don't cry, ever, I'll always save you
never let you go
hey hey
look up at the sky, can you see me
always there, always watching you
trapped in a nightmare without escape
still, I'll be great for you
I love you
I love you
I LOVE YOU.

Happy new year, love

2008-12-31T19:52:00.000+01:00

May 2009 be awesome.
Only beautiful dreams for you, sweetheart.

Wake up honey

2008-09-11T17:41:00.002+02:00

Hey love,
how are you doing?

I, I'm doing fine, among computer crashes, friends with new boyfriends, huge changements in my life and everything.
When you don't have to study, you really have too much time to think.

So, I've been thinking and thinking. Thinking to the point that I came to a conclusion.
My life is probably useless.
Haha. Don't worry, don't worry! It won't get suicidal. Because, it can also be a good thing - just like the Death card in the Tarots, which means "to change" and not "to end".
Because, if you have nothing, there's nothing you can lose.
I will never meet you, love. But doesn't this mean that I will never lose you?
Of course, if I could, I would exchange all the years ahead for just a night of pure love - but I don't think this choice is up to me. So I guess I will just take what I can.
Without you, there's nothing I can lose. So I can only gain, no matter what.
If you don't care about light, you won't be scared by the dark.
If you don't suffer from the cold, you cannot be sad when summer goes away.

You must forgive me, dear. I still love you. I know it sounds like I'm abandoning you, giving you away, and maybe it's like that in some ways, but you need to understand how I feel.
I'm tired of chasing a dream that will never come true. I'm tired to know that you're out there somewhere and that I can't reach you; that maybe you're happy and don't care about me at all, that maybe you're sad and scared and I can do nothing about it.
I'm so tired of feeling unhappy and lonely. I don't wanna live like this anymore.

So, from now on, I refuse to be afraid. I refuse to be scared. I refuse to be sad.
Because if I have nothing, there's nothing I can lose anyway, so there's nothing I must worry about.
It's not easy love, because it's not just me. There are other people around me, who own a lot - so they get sad when what they own is in danger. I can understand that. But I will try my best.
I will be living, honey. In a strange, weird, maybe wrong way, but I will.
I will wake up everyday with a smile. I won't be afraid of the unknown. I will take that step out of the door just like the children do.
I will be writing, love. I will be telling stories to whoever wants to hear them. If there's nothing I can lose, I won't lose them either.
And I'll look up to the sky and think only about its beauty. We don't share it, we never will, so there's no point in looking for your sign up there. There is nothing but blue air, white dreamy clouds and the amazing purity of the sunlight.
Everybody is afraid. Now I know. Everybody can be hurt, and broken hearted, and empty, and sad, and sick, no matter how rich or special or famous or smart they are.
Everybody feels the same in the end.
So I am no one special, and I don't need to be ashamed of what I feel anymore.

I don't want you to be sad love. I'd want the whole world to be happy, if that could be possible.
I hope you have a lot to lose, because this means that your life is full of important things. But if you haven't, then this means that your life is empty, and can only be enriched by things.
I will become someone that people can be proud of. If I'm empty now, I want only good things to fill me. "If you only knew me, I'd rock your world", this kind of feeling.
I am yours, forever.
But I am also here, in this life, and this heart and this body is what I have to face it.

So I leave you, with these words written by somebody else (somebody who actually saved me, even if he doesn't know that - he has such power over people, if I had to chose I'd want to be just like him). I want you to hear this song, as if I'm singing it to you. My voice isn't that good, so please turn up the radio a little more and listen to Miyavi-sama singing them to you. I dedicate this to you with all my heart.
May this be the start of our new lives.
I refuse to be afraid. I will smile at least once everyday.
(all the love on planet Earth is just for you honey, so wake up, smile, go out and live amazingly)

Wake up honey
Hey honey, hey, it's morning already, have you woken up?
These are sunny days, look, the sun is calling,
So hurry, hurry a little,
Leap out of bed,
This morning, softly say good-morning

Greetings, if there's the sun and a kiss
Greetings, Next a gentle breeze and a hug, let's go out, hey, Get Ready

Well, get ready, see, don't make that sleepy face,
good-bye days, say goodbye to yourself that reflected in the mirror

brand-new days, and you'll still make a fresh start
every first day from today, a new you will begin

Like a morning glory, Yeah
Bathe in the rays of the morning sun, high flight
Sky dive in the oasis of the sky
fly high, don't lose who you were before yesterday

Growing, growing, don't stop growing
If you reach out straight away it comes up
You can see the usual scenery differently
Today new things are waiting for you, have a nice day
Like a morning glory, Yeah

(translation by Anyaaa)

Shallot

2008-06-10T14:13:00.004+02:00

Hi, I'm here again. I was never really gone, you know. Just... busy with life.

I'm trying to live my life, keeping myself busy. Most of the time I'm just hopelessly sad, but you know, I always remind myself that my life could be really worse and try to cheer up. I will never let the sadness sink in, I promised; to me, to the people around me, to you that I will never meet. I promised I will go on with my life and become a person we can all be proud of, and that's what I'm trying to do.
But this is not what I wanted to say. I always, always have so many things to tell you... it's easy to get lost when it comes down to you *haha*.

I thought I wanted to be someone famous and special, I thought so all my life. I thought that with a visible name, you'd be able to find me. Just like the stars, so high in the sky that everyone everywhere can see them.
But lately I realized this is not what I really want.
I don't want to be someone special to be loved. I just wanna be loved even when I'm clumsy, forgetful, lazy and moody. I wanna be loved even if my voice isn't perfect, even if my body isn't perfect, even if I'm not that pretty or there are things I can't do well.
I'm no one special, and I want to be loved for this.

Is this really that selfish? All my life, I've always met people who tried to change me. No one is really happy with what I am. And when I fail I just feel useless, like I'm not worthy if I can't do anything perfectly. This is why I always try to be on top, but this is not healthy. It's just like I'm trying to convince the others that I'm worth loving, isn't it?
I don't want to be like this anymore. I try to love myself, and this is just too degrading and unhealthy.
I want to be no one special and be happy with that. I just want to do my best for me and for me only, when I feel like it, and screw the rest. Success is only an add, I want to be satisfied with myself but I also want back my right to fail.
Can you understand that? It's hard to put it in words, but... can you understand how I feel, what I'm thinking?

It will be hard, I know. But I want to give it a try, my friend.

I miss you so much, you know? I just feel alone and lonely. I wish I could be there and cuddle you, and laugh with you and be happy through making you happy.
Sometimes I question, can you die out of nostalgia? Of pain and sorrow? Of emptiness? Of longing for something you'll never have? Of the missing smell of the skin and warmth of the lips?
I think people can. It's slower than any other kind of death, but it's possible. So maybe I'm just dying, after all. I wonder how many years or decades it takes? It doesn't really matter, we all gotta die in the end, right?
But I still miss you. Miss you so much, my one.
It's summer again in this boring place. But it's beautiful, oh so beautiful, and the fact that you'll never see it and I'll never be able to show you all the cozy, small, hidden wonderful spots of my hometown... it makes me so sad. Just sad.
Keeping so much love for yourself, that's what poisons you. Not finding someone to make happy, that's what poisons you.
I wish I could see your smile and be the cause of it, even if I'm no one special.
Lead a good life, my one.

She's locked up with a spinning wheel
She can't recall what it was like to feel
She says "This room's gonna be my grave
And there's no one who can save me"
She sits down to her colored thread
She knows lovers waking up in their beds
She says "How long can I live this way
Is there no one I can pay to let me go
'Cause I'm half sick of shadows
I want to see the sky
Everyone else can watch as the sun goes down
So why can't I

013. A very small wish.

2007-08-26T12:49:00.000+02:00

This is the end of the summer.
The end of the summer is a good time to end things, a good time to start things anew.
I don't want to be overly dramatic about this, but since this is gonna be my last entry for some time, I will write whatever I feel, dramatic or not.
It's not like I don't need you anymore, or I don't have trust in your existence anymore: but from the beginning, this wasn't meant to last. I just needed to take everything out of my heart, because there, it was becoming a burden.
"Heavy on my heart", that's what they say. That's what I felt. A thousand words left unspoken, haunting the rooms of my soul for too long. I just needed to voice them out in a space where no one would bother me, or call me names, or judge me. I felt like stretching out an hand, where everyone and at the same time no one could find out.
I trust life, and I believe that most of the time you are the one who's deciding about it. You are the captain, you can choose where to go and what to do with your years on this Earth.
But still...
I do believe that we all have wings. But still, there are different kind of wings. Butterfly wings. Dove wings. Eagle wings.
We can't fly the same skies. What's important is flying at your best, with the wings you're given. But there are so many heights that you'll never reach, so many places... It's the world's nature.
I think that chance is reserved for paradise. What's paradise? I think that being in the right place, at the right time, with the right person... that's paradise. Being where you're supposed to be with the person meant for you, that's paradise. Being just okay, just fine, just right.
I don't know if paradise is meant for our lifetime, or for somewhere after it. I believe in the latter. Believing is not knowing, so maybe I am wrong. But anyway...

Anyway, I just needed to send a message. A message in a bottle. Just to tell myself "I gave it a chance". Not because I believe it will work, just because I needed to let go of that weight.
I can't see the future. But sometimes, I just feel like I already know how it's going to end, as if I dreamed my whole future and now I'm remembering it. Because what I imagine looks so familiar, so sad but at the same time so possible.
And in that future, I am alone.
I don't want to be bitter about it. There are worst things happening in the world. But I will miss you, so much. I will miss all of the things we won't be able to share.
Suddenly, randomly, this thought will cross my mind: " Where are you? I want you to be there, with me." But you won't be.
I still hope I am wrong. I still hope that one day I'll wake up with you beside me, and think back on these times, and just laugh about it. I hope one day I'll let myself cry with happiness and joy (without feeling stupid). I hope I can be happy one day, truly happy, happy with that happiness I have yet to experiment. Happy when you know where your life is leading, and yet you still can taste every moment. So happy that you're not afraid to die with regrets. With your heart filled of happy memories, shared times, and laughters, so many that they make up for the sad times.
But I just think, I just believe this won't be the case.

I'm trying to grow stronger, day by day. I'm trying to suck out what I can from life, even with you not being here. Because life goes on. You can't stop it, and you gotta ride it for you have only one chance. I don't wanna let it go waste. I don't wanna sit here and wait, this is not good enough for me. Because I have passion and enthusiasm and courage. Because I have so many things to say and so much will to know, to explore, to experiment. Because I can be strong enough to be happy even if I'm incomplete.

So, thirteen messages in a bottle. Thirteen drops in a ocean. Thirteen very small wishes on a very small star.

Please remember, I will always wait for you. For you I'm always awake, even in the middle of the night. If you can't come my way, if I can't come yours, I will still love you. You will still have a place you belong to, a bed to rest even when you can't find it.
I send you many wishes. I hope that for you, summer can last forever. Because summer is sun, and warm days, and happy faces, and new friends, and holidays, and travels. I hope that the warmth of summer can be with you even in your dark hours, I hope that the love in my heart can be of some help to let you overcome your troubles with strenght and courage. I hope you can have an happy life, full of love, all the love that I could give you if you were with me, all the happiness you could experience if we were together. Have a great life, make happy memories, live merry days. Maybe we will meet somewhere one day, after this life, in a place where our wings are equal and we won't know pain, a place where you don't need to sleep and rest and you can fly everywhere and for all the time.
Till that day, do your best, my friend. Take care of your heart, my beloved. I will do the same.

"No matter how hard, just by feeling in my heart,
that you are there, I can pull through it."
So it's ok, just the way you are, the real you.

And when the stars are falling, I'll keep calling
I will still love you
And when your dreams are fading, I'll be waiting
I will still love you.

012. Water

2007-08-03T15:00:00.000+02:00

I went to the sea today.
I liked sitting in front of the sea, chatting about meaningless things. The breath of the sea and the rumor of waves on the shore, they are relaxing. In those moments, my brain and my heart are clear, like clean sea water.

Water. The same water, that sea water I was looking at and swimming in... maybe it once touched you hair as gentle rain, or washed your face in an unknown corner of the earth... or it just wet your feet on a faraway beach (and more sappy things - and I'm smiling while I'm writing cos I'm thinking about less romantic things, but I'll keep them for myself).

Dear friend, my beloved, I hope you're okay. I wish you many days on white beaches, and happy smiles. May you touch this same water, and may my love keep you warm.

Always thinking of you beside me
Even though I stretch out my hand, it doesn't reach.

I recall the sweet time, waiting for you, awake.

011. Thinking of you

2007-07-13T18:46:00.000+02:00

If you are in Europe: have a good dinner and a good evening. I hope you spend it with your friend or doing something funny (like writing your next best novel or composing your next best song or watching this cool cool movie).

If you are in the USA area: I hope you have a delicious lunch. The day is still long, I hope it can bring you funny and happy things!

If you are in the east (Russia, China, India, Japan, whatever) : you're probably going to bed or already sleeping, so have a good night. I hope you can dream happy dreams, and wake up to a wonderful day tomorrow (or today).

Do you understand, why we could never find each other? There's so much space, so many people... the sky is one, but sun and moon share it. We are drops in an ocean. But my heart is with you.

Fly the wings of an eagle
Glide along with the wind
No matter how high
Ill be thinking of you the whole time

010. Beautiful

2007-07-10T18:26:00.000+02:00

Whatever you do, some people will like it, and someone else will hate it.
Don't let this put you down. Experiment, and change only if you feel like it. It doesn't matter if people around you can't understand you... your happiness is more important.
Be yourself, follow your heart.
Don't change into someone I won't be able to love just because the world wants you to. You are beautiful. You are special. You are perfect.
I'm always supporting you and loving you from afar, so be true to your soul.

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words won't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words won't bring you down

009. Play it all by heart

2007-07-05T23:32:00.000+02:00

Me and my friend A. on MSN

A. So, you're looking for your Stephen King.
Me. Hell no. I'm the Stephen King. What I'm looking for is my Tabby.

Words like love and happiness
They don't seem to stand up baby
When you put ‘em to the test
You say that you're a poet
That your life's a work of art
But you can't
Paint love by numbers, babe
You gotta play it all by heart
Baby, baby, baby, baby
It happens all the time
How you play me, play me, play me
Playing with my mind
Baby, baby, baby, baby
You're making me go crazy
And if you call that love then
All it was
Was a pocket full of nothing
But a suicidal gun
And if you call that love then
Love should be a
Crime

008. I'll have what's left over

2007-07-03T23:58:00.000+02:00

These words have the power to move me.
These words sum up all wedding promises.

Stop trying so hard, stop believing if you can't. It's okay to give up if your heart hurts too much. Needing comfort, seeking help and a refuge... it's alright.
And even if you break up, it doesn't matter. I will still love those pieces. I will still love what's left over.

Please remember, for you I would cut my fingers on that shattered heart. Please think about it, when you feel lonely. You don't need to love yourself if you can't, my love will be enough for u both.

Don't love yourself anymore, cos I'll have what's left over.

007. The flavor of life

2007-07-02T20:00:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I just pretend you're in the room next to mine, doing all the unoriginal things we call life.
But I never get up to see if you're actually there ^^'.

I'm trying my best with my studies. I want to be the best person I can be, as if I could meet you one day.
Please, try your best too. I'm always at your side, at least with my heart.

The period when you suddenly remember the scent of someone you had almost forgotten
I want to be able to openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more.
A future tender and warmer than a diamond
I want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, I want to spend it with you
(but I can't)

006. I wanna be with you now

2007-06-30T14:42:00.000+02:00

So, after all, the world is divided in two. People who can afford dreaming and craziness, and people who can't.
Stupid money.
Uh, today is one of the worst days of the year. Too much is happening. Nothing someone from "outside" would label as bad, but it hurts. It hurts so much. I feel like needing to punch something, to break something, to scratch something till it bleeds and it hurts so much I can't remember what else hurt in the beginning. And I feel guilty for that. There are surely people with bigger problems out there and I'm being horribly selfish, but it still hurts. I haven't felt this bad in months. I would ask for a miracle, but I know Jesus is too busy (or He has just given up his hopes for me). I don't wanna go back to feeling this bad. I thought it was over, but it never seems to end. And I feel like I'm missing the best of life. If I were to die tomorrow, I would just think "Crap, I wasted all my lifetime. There's so much I didn't do". There would be only a few memories of worthy things. And everything that I wanted to do was just out of my grasp, for a reason or the other. But if I can't blame anyone but me for the things I willingly decided to miss (because of love or laziness or fear), I'm so angry for all the things I had to miss because I just wasn't old enough or I didn't have enough money or bad things that I didn't want to happen happened in the wrongest moment. And it's not like they show you on movies. Sometimes, your worth just goes unnoticed. Sometimes, there's no second choice. Sometimes, there's no chance of an happy ending.
I gave up a lot of things because of issues no one could solve. I gave up once, twice, but now it just becomes hurtful and bitter. I know I'm childish, but I want at least some recognition. And, I'm tired of giving up on things when everyone else just gets everything without people pointing out every single second that we're all so lucky. I want everything too. And I want it without fighting, because if everyone else can have it this way, why can't I? I'm tired of feeling bad and lost and alone and forgotten and forsaken and different and guilty and out of place. I've had my share of problems, so now I just want some fucking happiness. People may not remember about how hard it was for me, but I do. And I'm tired. I'm tired of asking God for small things because I know people out there have worst problem, and not even getting those small things. I'm tired of being good and having less than people being bad - it's not even fair, in the end they'll repent and we'll all find ourself in Heaven or Hell or the same stupid place, but guess what? They had a great life, and I wasted mine.
{EDIT: and, after all, it never rains but it pours, right? Haha. I'm tired, tired, tired. FUCK. FUCK all this stupid shit. FUCK you all.}

I wish you could come and find me. If we could meet, nothing else would matter anymore. But after all, I live in the middle of nowhere. It's sunny and beautiful and everything, but it's still the loneliest place on Earth for me.
I wish I could meet you, now. But... I'm afraid we're stuck on the can't-afford class of this train, baby.

Though it weighs on my mind, I can't ask
Tired of swimming to you, I fall silent
Though I want to see you, I'm pushed by invisible waves
And I find myself even further away
I wanna be with you now
Cuz I know this can't be forever
We can start over, just you and me
I wanna be with you now
Cuz I know this can't be forever
We should stay together, just you and me
I need to be with you

005. I only wanted

2007-06-28T22:33:00.000+02:00

Pillow fights.
Watching horror movies sitting together on the couch, holding each other when the ghost enters the scene (or watching sappy love stories and sigh when the happy ending finally comes on screen).
Bubble bath with tons of strawberry or vanilla soap.
Singing out loudly and miming old pop songs.
Playing Eyetoy and see who gets the best score on the Guitar mini game.
Trying to improve each other's art.
Eating ice cream and tiramisu and Nutella, feeding each other, till you just want to throw up.
Going shopping during Christmas time.
Kissing in the rain.
Tickling.
Being there in important moments (exams, or dentist, or whatever you define as "important")
Fan support.
Counting falling stars on 1oth August.
Going to cinema.
Not having sex on every single moment, just holding and breathing and... heartbeats.
Reading books out loud.
Saying (and hearing - I don't know which one is the harder) the words "I love you".

Oh God, how much adolescence did I waste on wrong men?
Men who didn't care. Men who weren't ready. Men who took me for granted. Men who couldn't appreciate me. All those stupid men we women love to get involved with.
And how many times was I there, but my heart was wrapped in plastic and left at home cos I didn't feel it was necessary? Why did I lost it? (oh, I know why, but I mean why)
Was I wrong? Was it my fault? Wasn't I trying hard enough? So now, I don't deserve another chance?
How much is left?
Was there something left to begin with?

...Do you miss all this too?

Doesn't it ever stay
Must it always fade away
Couldn't love ever be
Something tangible and real
Farewell, fairweather friend
Abandonment returns to taunt me again
I only wanted you to stay
Linger and mean the words you said
Foolishly I romanticized
Someone was saving my life
For the first time
I only wanted you to be there when I
Opened up my eyes

004. You don't have to believe

2007-06-27T23:29:00.000+02:00

Uhm, I'm running out of highlighters. Because, you know, when I study, I highlight everything. And then, the important things with another color. And then , the FUNDAMENTAL things with a circle in another color. At the end, my books are just a mess XD. And for a book lover like me this is a tragedy, but I can't help it.

In my life, you would be highlighted in yellow (the most visible color, if you ask me), then underlined with a blue pen and then circled with a red pen and decorated with little hearts (or stars - I don't know why but my hearts usually look like some kind of strange meat mess).
Right know, you're just covered with Tipp-Ex.
But I still draw hearts and stars and flowers on the white space. That is so like me XD.

You are still you, still a brat, you don't have to look at what you don't want to look
This is the era when even adults don't know what is right and what is wrong
Don't droop your head, raise your face,
I have nights when I want to cry too
But save that tears and together with your friends laugh to that tears

Do everything you can, and even if you make mistake,
You'll make it a joke some day

003. May tomorrow be a better day

2007-06-25T16:58:00.000+02:00

Sometimes, I just wanna bang my head against a wall, or scratch myself until I bleed, for all this pressure steals my air away.
Some days, I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day, dreamlessly.
But I'm not that kind of person. In the end, I just get up and face it. Grinding my teeth, I hold on, cos retreat is for losers.

I'm not an emo kid ;P. I wish for happiness, even in little things. I want a future full of laughters; I look up at the future with an hoping heart.
I love laughing, and being childish; I enjoy sweets, and rollercoasters, and kitties, and colorful clothes, and books, museums, clean skies, Christmas atmosphere, and coconuts, and sappy love stories, and cute boys.

I daydream. I love to play "What if...". But in the end, I just dress myself and open the door, ready to live for real.

I'm living as if I could never meet you. I know I won't. I know this story has already been told a hundred of times, I know it always ends the same way. And stopping just before the last page, pretending they lived happily even after, isn't really going to change things.

Oh, I love surprises. But it's like waiting for a serenade from your boyfriend when you DO know he's not really that type of person and that, after all, he doesn't even love you that much. This kind of feeling.

Today... I don't really want to study. My mom has a day off and she's cooking. I wish I knew what my life will be, cos sometimes I'm scared shitless of the future. The weather is hot. The wind smells beautiful. I'm home. I have people loving me, a laptop, and I'm a lucky western kid. I miss you, and it's bittersweet. I hope you miss me the same way too, I hope you look up at the sky and think of me. I send you love, and smiles, and support, and I pray God every evening to keep you safe and happy.

But we have our own books to write. Our own novels to tell. Our paths to walk. And they link us to different worlds, different places, different people, different universes.
Maybe one day we'll have a chance. Maybe not. Probably not. Most likely not.
So, let's have a good life. Let's make it worth the loss, my beloved.

I, too, really wish I could be with you, sleeping like this
but there is a place I gotta go, so I will go a step ahead of you.
May you not lose your way. May you not shrink in fear. May you not avert your eyes.
May there be no doubts. May there be no saddness. May you no stop and stand there.

002. She looks to the sun

2007-06-25T16:38:00.000+02:00

Today I have gone out for a walk.
Nature in this corner of the Earth is beautiful, especially during summer. Everything is green and gold, and nature smells like lots of warm and happy days. The sky is so clean and bright I just can't keep my eyes open.
I hope the sight you're looking at is as beautiful as this land.
I wish I could meet you one day, and show you the place my heart will always belong to.

She looks to the sun
Help her to carry on
Breakin down all the years
Wondering how she got here
She drifts trought the sky
Counting the reasons why
How my life turned so fast
Remembering all of the past

She looks to the stars
Breaking, time to follow the heart
Her world is falling apart

And the turning of every new page
A book on a shelf that is there to remain
Breaking the walls as she's tearing them down
As she is starting to drown

She's waiting for love
She's waiting, waiting for love
Waiting, waiting for love
She's waiting, waiting so long

I'm waiting for a new day to rise
Conversations to make sense to me and my mind
I need someone to lift me right off my feet
And I want it, and I need it, and I'll leave it all behind

And all the changes I've made
And I remember the words, that you'll never say

She looks to the sun

001. Close your eyes

2007-06-24T19:00:00.000+02:00

It's good to think that some words are for me, even when they're casually passing on the radio.

Sometimes you find something that really completes you. And suddenly, one day you realize you don't even remember your life before that thing entered into it. And, after all, it's not worth remembering how it was. It must have been a pretty empty life.

So thank you, for existing somewhere on this too big and too crowded planet. Thank you for being out there, somewhere.

Is there anywhere that far?
Anytime you're feeling low
Is there anywhere that love cannot reach?