Goodbye.

(via maluna.tumblr.com)

but today I understood that
I haven't been looking for you
since forever.
I don't need this delusional dream anymore.

.:the.end:.

miss you.

Meant to be

"Meant to be"
I don't think so.
Well, it probably does happen to someone, somewhere. Not to me, to us. This, I know it already.
But don't you think there's something magical in this idea? In a world where magic is gone forever, don't you think this is the only magic we have left?

Like a dream just before you awake
on the street
in a room
you just lift you eyes
and it's here, what you've always been looking for
your true soulmate.
Like a light, where there's always been only darkness.
Like sweetness, after so so much strife.
Like a rainbow, after a rain that soaked you through and made you cold.

Even when I don't believe in love anymore
still this dream visits me sometimes
just before I wake
like a faint scent, it lingers
when I open my eyes in the dimlit room.

"Meant to be"
it's just words written in the wind
just a fading dream in the new day's dawn
just a falling star, disappearing at light's speed
I know, better than anyone.

But still, for a moment
just before I wake, still asleep
I pray to God
"let this be the day when I met him
let there be magic in our lives"

Then, as I open my eyes
it fades
but it's still a nice, warm kind of fantasy
don't you think?
Almost, almost
I almost feel it could happen anytime
in the moment between the sleep and the rest of my life
I almost believe it.
That one day,
since we're "meant to be"
no matter how far you are
no matter how hard it is
we will find each other
on this big big planet.
Just a spark of magic, isn't it?

Just before I wake,
still is shines.
But then, here's the day
the light of the sun
no place for magic.

I still love you
but baby, baby,
magic is gone from my life
since forever.

No more.

Oh Jesus
oh Lord
oh my

I lost my faith in love
I lost the will to love.

Today, I understood
that I can't picture men being in love anymore.
That I can't picture men being tender and frail for a woman.
And not only this, I don't BELIEVE it anymore
no matter what everybody tells me
like Saint Thomas
WORSE than Saint Thomas
I stopped believing
and it's a mortal sin.

And I don't even wanna take risks anymore
I just don't feel like it's worth it.
I lost my will to try.

And it feels like armageddon.

Oh please
please
come save me
I know you won't
but I wish you would,
just save me from what I'm becoming

and I know, I fucking know it's impossible
and it steals my breath away
I see myself crumbling down the hill, towards a dangerous waterfall
and I can do nothing about it.
You can't save me
you can't sing for me
my voice will never ever reach you
and it's here, it's coming and I can do nothing about it
fuck, fuck, fuck
I lost
I lost
oh Jesus, oh my
I only wish you could save me
and you won't come for me
ever
ever
ever
I lost
I lost
I lost

Today, iron and lilies

Hey, hey
living as if you were in the kitchen
getting coffee ready for me
hey hey
I'll smile at you and hold you
don't cry, ever, I'll always save you
never let you go
hey hey
look up at the sky, can you see me
always there, always watching you
trapped in a nightmare without escape
still, I'll be great for you
I love you
I love you
I LOVE YOU.

Happy new year, love

May 2009 be awesome.
Only beautiful dreams for you, sweetheart.

Wake up honey

Hey love,
how are you doing?

I, I'm doing fine, among computer crashes, friends with new boyfriends, huge changements in my life and everything.
When you don't have to study, you really have too much time to think.

So, I've been thinking and thinking. Thinking to the point that I came to a conclusion.
My life is probably useless.
Haha. Don't worry, don't worry! It won't get suicidal. Because, it can also be a good thing - just like the Death card in the Tarots, which means "to change" and not "to end".
Because, if you have nothing, there's nothing you can lose.
I will never meet you, love. But doesn't this mean that I will never lose you?
Of course, if I could, I would exchange all the years ahead for just a night of pure love - but I don't think this choice is up to me. So I guess I will just take what I can.
Without you, there's nothing I can lose. So I can only gain, no matter what.
If you don't care about light, you won't be scared by the dark.
If you don't suffer from the cold, you cannot be sad when summer goes away.

You must forgive me, dear. I still love you. I know it sounds like I'm abandoning you, giving you away, and maybe it's like that in some ways, but you need to understand how I feel.
I'm tired of chasing a dream that will never come true. I'm tired to know that you're out there somewhere and that I can't reach you; that maybe you're happy and don't care about me at all, that maybe you're sad and scared and I can do nothing about it.
I'm so tired of feeling unhappy and lonely. I don't wanna live like this anymore.

So, from now on, I refuse to be afraid. I refuse to be scared. I refuse to be sad.
Because if I have nothing, there's nothing I can lose anyway, so there's nothing I must worry about.
It's not easy love, because it's not just me. There are other people around me, who own a lot - so they get sad when what they own is in danger. I can understand that. But I will try my best.
I will be living, honey. In a strange, weird, maybe wrong way, but I will.
I will wake up everyday with a smile. I won't be afraid of the unknown. I will take that step out of the door just like the children do.
I will be writing, love. I will be telling stories to whoever wants to hear them. If there's nothing I can lose, I won't lose them either.
And I'll look up to the sky and think only about its beauty. We don't share it, we never will, so there's no point in looking for your sign up there. There is nothing but blue air, white dreamy clouds and the amazing purity of the sunlight.
Everybody is afraid. Now I know. Everybody can be hurt, and broken hearted, and empty, and sad, and sick, no matter how rich or special or famous or smart they are.
Everybody feels the same in the end.
So I am no one special, and I don't need to be ashamed of what I feel anymore.

I don't want you to be sad love. I'd want the whole world to be happy, if that could be possible.
I hope you have a lot to lose, because this means that your life is full of important things. But if you haven't, then this means that your life is empty, and can only be enriched by things.
I will become someone that people can be proud of. If I'm empty now, I want only good things to fill me. "If you only knew me, I'd rock your world", this kind of feeling.
I am yours, forever.
But I am also here, in this life, and this heart and this body is what I have to face it.

So I leave you, with these words written by somebody else (somebody who actually saved me, even if he doesn't know that - he has such power over people, if I had to chose I'd want to be just like him). I want you to hear this song, as if I'm singing it to you. My voice isn't that good, so please turn up the radio a little more and listen to Miyavi-sama singing them to you. I dedicate this to you with all my heart.
May this be the start of our new lives.
I refuse to be afraid. I will smile at least once everyday.
(all the love on planet Earth is just for you honey, so wake up, smile, go out and live amazingly)

Wake up honey
Hey honey, hey, it's morning already, have you woken up?
These are sunny days, look, the sun is calling,
So hurry, hurry a little,
Leap out of bed,
This morning, softly say good-morning

Greetings, if there's the sun and a kiss
Greetings, Next a gentle breeze and a hug, let's go out, hey, Get Ready

Well, get ready, see, don't make that sleepy face,
good-bye days, say goodbye to yourself that reflected in the mirror

brand-new days, and you'll still make a fresh start
every first day from today, a new you will begin

Like a morning glory, Yeah
Bathe in the rays of the morning sun, high flight
Sky dive in the oasis of the sky
fly high, don't lose who you were before yesterday

Growing, growing, don't stop growing
If you reach out straight away it comes up
You can see the usual scenery differently
Today new things are waiting for you, have a nice day
Like a morning glory, Yeah

(translation by Anyaaa)